Crazy (part 1)

Author's Note: I've been writing a post called "crazy" for a little while now. It's gotten too big to be posted all at once, (and to read it all in one sitting would be a little much) so I will be posting it in parts over the next week or so. I'm still writing the end, so I'm not sure for how long this will be taking over the blog. Hopefully not for too long.
I'm still not exactly sure how much of this is fiction, and how much of it is metaphor. I can see both sides. Maybe that's the problem...

Crazy

Just when I thought I could see infinity, I realized I was insane. That didn't help. I was SO close,and now I'm farther away than when I started! But can you really be crazy if you think you're crazy? Don't crazy people think that they are sane, and that's why everyone else thinks that they're crazy? If you know you are crazy, you can pretend to be not-crazy when people are looking at you. It's actually a lot easier than it sounds, and that way you don't have to worry about weird looks and concerned phone calls to the parents. But is it better?

I think everyone else is crazy too, they just pretend to be not-crazy when I'm looking at them. That's what civilization is. A group of crazy people all trying to convince each other that they aren't crazy. But when they think I'm looking at something else, I can see the fucked-up shit in other people's heads. It's weird. I wish I didn't see it. It makes my life more difficult. Now I have to pretend not only that I'm not crazy, but also that I don't know that everyone else is crazy. Life would be better if everyone would stop pretending and everyone was insane. Or would that destroy the world? Insanity and nukes might not be the recipe for a better life. I'm guessing, I haven't actually lived through nuclear winter. Maybe it's not so bad.

I don't have goals, only moments when I forget to be hopeless.

Infinity looks smaller than I thought it would. I thought it would be big, so enormously big that it would destroy my eyes to look at, like don't look at an eclipse but for forever. But it's not, it's really tiny. It's so small that it fits everywhere, and it's all curled up inside of everything. Not to spoil the ending or anything, but if you're curious, infinity is bean-shaped. And it's like this swirly blue/red color that starts to mix together, but never actually makes purple.

Now is part of eternity too. I'm not sure about tomorrow yet.

For the record, I'm not really sure that what I saw was actually infinity. It might just be some red/blue bean-shaped thing that I saw when I was a little kid, and my brain had forgotten it until just now, so now it's trying to make up for forgetting by remembering it a lot and making my eyes see it when it's not really there. Probably the latter. Or the former....whichever is the second one. I always confuse former/latter. What I mean to say is that it's not very likely that what I saw was infinity. Actually, I'm hoping that I am wrong, because it would be really disappointing if reality was made of bean-shaped not quite purple things. I hope reality is something better. It should be something better.

When I was younger, I tried to say that reality didn't exist. But I couldn't do it, because to say things you need words, and to have words you need reality. My failure was devastating. I don't know why I was hoping for reality to not exist. Looking back on it, I think that's kind-of a strange thing to hope for. I think my only real justification was that it would be so much cooler if reality didn't exist. I think it's really cool when everyone thinks one way, and then one person comes along and says that the way everyone else thinks is wrong, and it turns out that the one person was right and the billions of other people were wrong. That doesn't happen very often. Or maybe it does, and I'm just one of the billions of people who think it doesn't.

Eventually, the universe will be destroyed. Luckily, everyone I have ever known and loved will be dead, and humanity will be extinct. That's a comforting thought.

I don't know what the point of writing this all out is, or why anyone has bothered to read this far. It's just a bunch of random, insane thoughts. I just went back and re-read what I wrote. My conclusion is that I'm insane, but I have to admit that it was sort-of interesting to read. I take back the first sentence of this paragraph. I guess a reader might ask, why not just delete the first sentence instead of typing out the sentence and then a retraction? I asked myself the same the same thing. The reason is that if I deleted the first sentence, then the retraction would be unnecessary too. And also this explanation. So really this whole paragraph would be wasted. The first sentence is what makes this whole paragraph hang together. Well, hang less-apart anyway. The point is that if you delete everything that is imperfect, you will never have anything. Imagine if God was that way, always deleting everything he made. Humans would never have been created. Or evolved or whatever.