The Paradox Part III

Part I
Part II

All of this is me.
But this is not all of me.

This is me falling,
This is me trying,
This is me calling,
This is me dying.

If I do not feel guilty for my selfishness, it is not for lack of attempts. I work long and hard to deny myself, to repress myself, to disguise myself as a part of the system. I wear a mask and look at myself as the system sees me. It is a perfect illusion, but it is nonetheless an illusion. But this is irrelevant to the system, it doesn't care if I lie. All it wants from me is the words, it doesn't care whether or not I believe them. So I give them those words. In a loud and clear voice, I affirm everyday that I am a liar and an actor and an impostor.

Anger, fear, suffering, shame....I know them all, and I know them well. I awkwardly stumble through the darkness, clumsy and naive. Nobody is perfect. All I can do is try my best, no one can ask for more, and I don't have any more to give even if they did. Mistakes are how we learn.

Integrity is so easy to lose, and so valueless to the system, that no one cares or even notices when it's gone. Mine has been misplaced, it has been stolen, and also given away voluntarily. But I recognize in my heart that I still have a shred left. And I'm taking it all back. I will walk at my own pace, in my own way, towards a destination that only I will choose.

I wanted to be a poet, so I dreamed and became a poet...I wanted to be a writer, so I created and became a writer...I wanted to be a philosopher, so I thought and became a philosopher. Good and bad are labels attached by a system that is worthless to me. It tries to tell me that I am not these things because it has not recognized me as such. But I have no need for labels, nor for the recognition of a failed system. I see in myself those things that I set out to achieve, and I am satisfied with that knowledge alone. I am myself, and I will not apologize.

This is me writing,
This is me giving,
This is me fighting,
This is me living.

All of this is me.
But this is not all of me.