Attention Martians! Don't Read This Because You'll Think It's Just Boring Earthling Stuff

Did you know that most animals are really evil Martians trying to kill me? Me neither, but it's true because I just said it. Now now, I know what you're thinking. Pervert. But you're also thinking, "Animals can't be Martians, they told me they were from Jupiter!" But they're just lying to throw you off the trail. Don't be fooled by the clever Jupiterian accents, those can be faked with enough practice. "How are they trying to kill you?" you ask? FOOL! Don't ever question me! I will destroy you! Or I'll kick you in the shins and run away! You'll be in minor discomfort, I guarantee it! Haha, JK JK (For those of you who aren't 43 year-old men pretending to be 12 year-old girls, JK stands for "Just Kill Me For Using Stupid Abbreviations in Unnecessary Situations, I Am A Moron and I Deserve a Slow Painful Death) But seriously, did you ever eat a whole flock of pigs or kangaroos or whatever and then get sick? And then the doctor says don't eat so many animals or you'll die? And then you eat them anyway and then you die? That's the evil plot of the Martians. Trying to be delicious so that we eat them and get unhealthy. And then don't exercise. Don't worry though, I have a plan to defeat them. I'm going to hop backwards in the snow so that they think I'm a guy hopping in the other direction. That will stop them from following me to my secret hideout where I make all my Earth-saving plans and also buy groceries. Then I'm going to come up with a plan, which is to kill all the Martians. As a bonus to my great plan, instead of burying the bodies, we can just eat them because Martians are delicious. So that way I've solved world hunger too.